SUCK IT UP

I am not going to lie, I have been unhappy with myself for the longest time now. I might not seem like so, but I took the acting class back in the days, I learned how to improvise and act. Only people who really know inside-out would know that I am living with pretension. Those people would know that every time I walk out the door I put the fake smile on my face. All of that is true. I do tell myself a lies, to make the day a little easier for me. Finally that has come to an end.

In the circumstances and cultures I grew up in, tough me to not think that I am better than others, or I should not think that I am more special than others. At some point I got the self-criticism and there was a troll growing in me.. Also having parents who did not give me positive response whenever I did something good -the inner troll got more control and got stronger. I am not blaming my parents, they did the right thing, they raised me up in the most perfect and most realistic way. They did not let me living in a dream, they pushed me all the time, they tough me to fight to get what I want. Although I had low self-confident, I have always been strong and fought for what I want. Life it difficult -that is how it simply is(wait, does that make any sense for you??)

I cannot believe it took me such a long time to realize and finally do something with it. It all started with me moving far away from home to study. I met lovely and stupid people. I kept the lovely ones and I stop giving a damn about the stupid ones. One day, out of the blue, a colleague of mine, who is also like a brother for me, told me that I am beautiful -from inside-out. After he got to explain why that came in all of sudden, he made me change my attitude. He told me that whenever I get a compliment, I should suck it up! It took me more than a week to go through a process of thinking and figuring out... What I ended up with was, believe it or not, that I was my worst enemy. Since I was a teenager, I always wanted to be confident and I wanted to walk with straight back and be happy with who I am -and enough acting!

I have never appreciated the compliments I got. The inner troll always told me that people just tell me that to be nice, or make me think that they are.. I could not believe in those words I heard, because I was never satisfied with the result or what I got. Very often, if you want to change something, you start with yourself first. Now that I know that I was my worst enemy, I had to destroy that troll or that person in my head. I had to start from where I am standing.

One morning I woke up and the first thing I did was to break up with my inner troll, the worst enemy of mine. It was the best break up I have ever done in my entire life. It felt GOOD. It felt releasing. It felt like wings started to grow on my back and I became a unicorn that poops out rainbow! Oh, hell yeah, that was a huge step for me, but it was the right and the best one. I have never felt better with myself. I also think, that I have gained a little more self-confident. Aaaah, it still feels good! I am more happier than ever!

Now, here I am standing with open arms to catch compliments. GIVE IT TO MEEEH!!!


Think: You have to lower yourself and who you are, just because the society you live in says so and you have to please it. With that kind of society I am not going to be someone. So, no! No, fuck it! I am who I am and I decide who I want to please, and it is not going to be YOU, the society! What kind of bullshit society is this, when it is not "acceptable" to believe in yourself?

FYI: There is a Youtuber, Anna Akana, who inspired me with her vlogs. I could relate myself to what she said and she has been an inspiration for me. Yes, I also got that "the inner troll" from her. Seriously, that shit does exist! I put one of her awesome videos below. Make sure you check out her channel and subscribe(she uploads more frequently than I do!).
Hope that something I said in the video could help, in case you could relate yourself to the same situation that I used to be in. Now, I made a video, you got to thumb me and comment below!

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-Patch