Family - My Thai Family

In the last blog entry I was talking about my biological father. I guess, somehow, it was time for me to think for myself and find my own way.

The definition of the word "family" has different meanings in the Western world and in Asia. Since I have lived and grown more or less in both worlds, I have to know what family means in these two worlds. In the Western culture, family often means mother, father, siblings, uncles, aunts and their children, and grandparents. In Thai culture, the definition of family includes all of what I mentioned, from both of your parent's sides, in addition to that we go all the way to whoever has the same last name as you, he/she is your family, and it is forbidden to marry with someone who has the same last name as you.

Which means that I probably do not know quarter of my family in Thailand. But as much as I know, we are a big family already.

I was told that my biological father is half Vietnamese. My grandfather was from Vietnam, but unfortunately he passed away before I was born. It explains a lot why strangers ask me if I come from Vietnam, because I do not have "the Thai-look". I do not know further about his sisters or brothers, but his aunty, which is the one I stay really close to. She has four children, and one of them is at the same age as me. We grew up pretty much together. I used to spend my summer holiday at her place. Even though she was born half year after me, I always was and still am tinier than her. I always get her clothes. We do not contact each other much these days, but our relation remains the same. I know that from my father's family, they own a school/college in Bangkok, called St. John. But I have no clue how close I am related with them. I remember, as a kid, we used to go and gave them greetings for New Year, then we would get some cash... But I never paid attention to knowing who they were, because I was thrilled by getting money and also that I was really young to think about it.

I am more close to my mom's family. She was one of the 10 kids my dearest grandmother gave birth to. Out of her nine siblings, I know eight of them. Her second oldest sister and the next youngest sister are the aunties I stay most close to. And they are also those two who my mom has best relation with as well. They used to babysit me when I was little. My mom and her siblings grew up in a village, so as far as I know, non of them had high education. And their children, so far it is just one who possibly had finished a bachelor degree. And it seems like I am the next one on that list. Education became an important factor in Thailand during the time I grew up. In the time that my mom was young, earning money and send it back home was the thing, not education. Because they first of all could not afford it and second that they were not born to be smart enough to have an education. In the society of Thailand today, unfortunately the degree that your son or daughter gets, is for parents to show off.

I do not think I have the need to know every member of my family in Thailand. I barely can handle those I have, with all their names, relations, what they are up to and so on. But I admit that no matter how long you have been away, the family bond will remain and stay as strong as it always has been. The bond with me and my aunties is still the same today, we just act and talk differently, because I have grown. And sometimes, I do things that surprises them, because some parts of me has changed to be more Western. But they never hated me. It was just something they did not expect from me, I guess. But with all my respect, I love my family in Thailand and I am grateful to have them, close to far and far to close.

I always look forward to go back for a holiday. Not because I go there very seldom, but my family always welcomes me and also whoever I bring with me. My aunties always make my favorite dishes when I am there and I eat till my stomach is about to explode every time they cook.

To my friends, if you read this: You will have to change your entrance door, if you go with me to Thailand!

-Patch

Family -My Biological Dad

If there is something in this world that will never turn its back on you, no matter who you have become or how badly you messed up, that is your family. Despite that my biological dad left me, my brother and my mom when I was two. I am still thankful that he gave me a life, even if it was not the easiest one at all.

I am not close to my biological dad. But I was very close to my step dad, who my mom married. He was the one who made me feel complete, like a real family with a father and a mother. He made me feel how it is like to have a father and how it is like to lose one. He taught med many things and value in life. Today, many sides of me are reflections of him. It is almost five years ago that he passed away. I still miss him today. A friend told me that if I cannot let someone who passed away go, I will make that person suffer. I do not want my step dad to suffer, but sometimes I cannot move on either.

My biological dad, who I barely talked to, who I hardly know, called me last time when I was in Thailand. It was that year which they got critic flood in Thailand. We talked over the phone for about 10 minutes, then he asked to borrow money from me. I got very mad and his words confirms everything I have heard in years from my mom. I told him whatever was in my heart and it might have hurt him. He said: "It sounds like you use your mom's words". I without thinking that I could hurt him, I replied: "What do you expect? Mom raised me. She had to be a mom and a dad. After 20 years you call your daughter and ask her for money? Where were you when I needed you? You were never there for me". And he got quiet. After that conversation, he always sends me a birthday message. "Happy Birthday to you. God bless you forever. From Joy and Namwhan" He did not refer himself as "your father" and Namwhan is my little sister, who I never have met yet. I am guessing she is about 7-8 years old.

I never reflect over what I said. I only thought that he does not deserve me, or even my forgiveness. I never felt any sympathy for him, until I told one of my closest friends that my biological dad sends me a birthday message each year after that conversation, and I was so proud in the way that I said: "I think that the conversation made him open his eyes". This friend of mine, instead of supporting me, he gave me a lesson instead. He said:

"No matter what, no matter how many times your mom will marry, no one can be that person who gave you life. The reason that you sit here today is first of all because of him. Maybe your mom and your step dad helped you on the way to be where you are today, but without your biological dad, you would not have existed today. You told me that your dad used to gamble. Maybe he had a reason for that, you never give him a chance to explain the other part of the story. That part of the story that you have heard is from your mom and that is the only and the one story which you swear to believe in. Besides, it did not work out between your mom and him, does not mean that he cannot be your father. And even that you said things that surely hurt him, at least he shows you once a year that he thinks of you. He did not turn his back on you after what you have done to him. But you turned your back on him, without knowing the other part of the story or knowing him. And you stand here, being arrogant over your own father and shut him out. How would you feel, if someone, with your blood and flesh, treated you like that? Why are you, one of the smartest one I know, acting so stupid and arrogant over your own father?"

I said that I did not have any connection with him as him and my older brother. I was only two.

"It is not about the connection, it is about reconnecting. Maybe that is what he wanted to, but you did not let him in. And the birthday message is perhaps the only thing he can do, because he surely earns less than you, and that is perhaps the only thing he allows himself to do, without being too attached, because you maybe gave him the impression that you do not want to have anything to do with him. And he waited so long to have another child, perhaps he learned that he was not ready and that would not be a good idea, or that he loved you two so much till he know that you will never turn back..."

My friend was so right. How can I behave like that? I feel horrible. I am a terrible daughter. He gave me life and he did not do anything bad to me. Things just did not work out between him and my mom. But I chose to believe in the stories which were told by my mom and gave me bad image of him, and I chose to hate him, based from what I have heard. Next time when I am in Thailand, I will do a difference. I will take him and his new family out, getting to know him, his wife and my little sister and reconnect. I will do this, because he is my father, no matter how hard I am going to ignore that. It is the fact and nothing beats the fact.

Thanks to my dear friend, who made me realize what kind of devil lived in me.

-Patch