Since the 5th semester has started, I already knew that things will be different. I was sure I would do things differently. I was sure I would change my attitude and daily routines.
When I have decided to do something. I do not wait till the New Year, I start right there.
It has brought me a hard run. My everyday has been up and down. Stressed me out, both physically and mentally. I have been having so much in my hands, still, with the right focus and a little believe in me that I can do it, I knew I will manage all. So far, so good.
I have my good days and bad days. And at least I would have that one day of the week, where I just go home and want to sit in a corner, turn off the light and cry. However, I have not yet cried, because of exhaustion. Instead, it builds the anger in me. Luckily, I have been able to control it so far. It usually pass by after a good night sleep.
It also takes a lot of my time. I remember I had time to go to the training studio at least three times a week. Now, I only train in front of the computer for just an hour every other day, at least that is what I try to keep up with. By getting less time to do other things than school, I changed my daily routine. Usually, those day when I do not have class early, or not at all. I would like to sleep long. I do not do that anymore. I get up around 6:45 - 7am everyday, even in weekends. Firstly, it is the biological clock in me. Secondly, when I worry about something, as soon as I wake up, I start to think about the possible solutions. Thirdly, duties are calling. I have not complained once, because I knew the consequences from the start of.
I push myself hard. Motivation varies from a day to another, still I keep pushing myself through it. To balance it all, I let myself have chocolate, cakes and other sweets whenever I desire. And of course, I try to eat healthy food and I try to bring lunch from home. I safe money and I get to eat what I want too. Win - win! Then I challenge myself to talk more in the class. Just today, I got the courage to do that. It took me more than a month. However, I do see that it is a progress and it takes time to get to my goals, just that I do not give up.
It is hard. It affects my body, my emotions and my mental. Being surrounded by duties, expectations from myself and others, limited of time and other problems in my life, I admit it is hard to put down the computer, phone and pen, just to give yourself a short break. I often force myself to do things, even if I do not feel for it. But that is just for the good. Whenever I take a day off, I want to feel like I do deserve it. In the mean time, I just treat myself with sweets, a little thing -but surely a big happiness for me.
I hope that this post would motivate you, or someone out there to work for what they want. Achieving goals. Getting successful in life. Gaining confident.
Changing for the better, that is what I do.
Have a nice week, every one!
-Patch
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
September 30, 2013
July 6, 2013
The World of Opportunities
I have been gone so long that I have no idea where and what to start with.. Let's skip over all the excuses of why I have been absent and get to the point.
I am a young girl. Growing up in the World of Opportunities. I have always had options for mostly everything, even if my family was poor back in the days. I have always taken my time to choose what to eat when I go to the restaurant, but luckily I have got better by the years, because I now have a limit of what I can choose out of the menu, since I am pescetarian.
Talking about decision-making. I am very terrible at this. I often has to call my mom or friends for their opinions, or even ask them: "what would you do, if you were me/in this kind of situation?". I also fall easily for others opinion and advice when I do not know the right one myself. Which is a bad habbit, because I am not letting me knowing myself good enough.
I am 23 years old. I have no idea what I want to be in the future. I have no clue what to do next year after the graduation. I do know for sure that I will not study for a higher degree right away. I often ask myself questions that I cannot answer and then the questions start to become worries. I do worry a lot about my future, of how it would be and how it would end up.
Elders they always told me: "Don't worry. You are born into the World of Opportunities. You have many roads to go".
Why do they make it sound so easy? In the reality, it is not easy at all. Especially if you still are that type of person who does not quite know what you want to be and want to do in the future. I know I am still so young, but I do not to waste years doing a job which I do not love and that there is someone out there who is dreaming of getting, then I would not only steal a job for that person, but I am also stealing the dream of him/her.
If I only knew what my dream really is, what I really want and where I want to be, it would be so much easier for me to make a plan, or take one of the many opportunities I have in my life. But right now, I am holding so many strings and I do not know which one to pull and which one to release. I just hold on to every single of them and I do nothing about it.
So, tell me, how many opportunities do you have for your future? What do you want to do? Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Whose dreams are you chasing?
Simple questions, but it will take you half an hour(at least) to figure out, unless you have already gone through this a couple of times.
If you have any tips or advice, I would gladly know!
Have a super weekend!
-Patch
I am a young girl. Growing up in the World of Opportunities. I have always had options for mostly everything, even if my family was poor back in the days. I have always taken my time to choose what to eat when I go to the restaurant, but luckily I have got better by the years, because I now have a limit of what I can choose out of the menu, since I am pescetarian.
Talking about decision-making. I am very terrible at this. I often has to call my mom or friends for their opinions, or even ask them: "what would you do, if you were me/in this kind of situation?". I also fall easily for others opinion and advice when I do not know the right one myself. Which is a bad habbit, because I am not letting me knowing myself good enough.
I am 23 years old. I have no idea what I want to be in the future. I have no clue what to do next year after the graduation. I do know for sure that I will not study for a higher degree right away. I often ask myself questions that I cannot answer and then the questions start to become worries. I do worry a lot about my future, of how it would be and how it would end up.
Elders they always told me: "Don't worry. You are born into the World of Opportunities. You have many roads to go".
Why do they make it sound so easy? In the reality, it is not easy at all. Especially if you still are that type of person who does not quite know what you want to be and want to do in the future. I know I am still so young, but I do not to waste years doing a job which I do not love and that there is someone out there who is dreaming of getting, then I would not only steal a job for that person, but I am also stealing the dream of him/her.
If I only knew what my dream really is, what I really want and where I want to be, it would be so much easier for me to make a plan, or take one of the many opportunities I have in my life. But right now, I am holding so many strings and I do not know which one to pull and which one to release. I just hold on to every single of them and I do nothing about it.
So, tell me, how many opportunities do you have for your future? What do you want to do? Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be? Whose dreams are you chasing?
Simple questions, but it will take you half an hour(at least) to figure out, unless you have already gone through this a couple of times.
If you have any tips or advice, I would gladly know!
Have a super weekend!
-Patch
March 7, 2013
SUCK IT UP
I am not going to lie, I have been unhappy with myself for the longest time now. I might not seem like so, but I took the acting class back in the days, I learned how to improvise and act. Only people who really know inside-out would know that I am living with pretension. Those people would know that every time I walk out the door I put the fake smile on my face. All of that is true. I do tell myself a lies, to make the day a little easier for me. Finally that has come to an end.
In the circumstances and cultures I grew up in, tough me to not think that I am better than others, or I should not think that I am more special than others. At some point I got the self-criticism and there was a troll growing in me.. Also having parents who did not give me positive response whenever I did something good -the inner troll got more control and got stronger. I am not blaming my parents, they did the right thing, they raised me up in the most perfect and most realistic way. They did not let me living in a dream, they pushed me all the time, they tough me to fight to get what I want. Although I had low self-confident, I have always been strong and fought for what I want. Life it difficult -that is how it simply is(wait, does that make any sense for you??)
I cannot believe it took me such a long time to realize and finally do something with it. It all started with me moving far away from home to study. I met lovely and stupid people. I kept the lovely ones and I stop giving a damn about the stupid ones. One day, out of the blue, a colleague of mine, who is also like a brother for me, told me that I am beautiful -from inside-out. After he got to explain why that came in all of sudden, he made me change my attitude. He told me that whenever I get a compliment, I should suck it up! It took me more than a week to go through a process of thinking and figuring out... What I ended up with was, believe it or not, that I was my worst enemy. Since I was a teenager, I always wanted to be confident and I wanted to walk with straight back and be happy with who I am -and enough acting!
I have never appreciated the compliments I got. The inner troll always told me that people just tell me that to be nice, or make me think that they are.. I could not believe in those words I heard, because I was never satisfied with the result or what I got. Very often, if you want to change something, you start with yourself first. Now that I know that I was my worst enemy, I had to destroy that troll or that person in my head. I had to start from where I am standing.
One morning I woke up and the first thing I did was to break up with my inner troll, the worst enemy of mine. It was the best break up I have ever done in my entire life. It felt GOOD. It felt releasing. It felt like wings started to grow on my back and I became a unicorn that poops out rainbow! Oh, hell yeah, that was a huge step for me, but it was the right and the best one. I have never felt better with myself. I also think, that I have gained a little more self-confident. Aaaah, it still feels good! I am more happier than ever!
Now, here I am standing with open arms to catch compliments. GIVE IT TO MEEEH!!!
Think: You have to lower yourself and who you are, just because the society you live in says so and you have to please it. With that kind of society I am not going to be someone. So, no! No, fuck it! I am who I am and I decide who I want to please, and it is not going to be YOU, the society! What kind of bullshit society is this, when it is not "acceptable" to believe in yourself?
FYI: There is a Youtuber, Anna Akana, who inspired me with her vlogs. I could relate myself to what she said and she has been an inspiration for me. Yes, I also got that "the inner troll" from her. Seriously, that shit does exist! I put one of her awesome videos below. Make sure you check out her channel and subscribe(she uploads more frequently than I do!).
Hope that something I said in the video could help, in case you could relate yourself to the same situation that I used to be in. Now, I made a video, you got to thumb me and comment below!
I'D LIKE TO BE STALKED!
TWITTER: @patchtastic28
INSTAGRAM: patchtastics
PINTEREST: patchtastic28
-Patch
In the circumstances and cultures I grew up in, tough me to not think that I am better than others, or I should not think that I am more special than others. At some point I got the self-criticism and there was a troll growing in me.. Also having parents who did not give me positive response whenever I did something good -the inner troll got more control and got stronger. I am not blaming my parents, they did the right thing, they raised me up in the most perfect and most realistic way. They did not let me living in a dream, they pushed me all the time, they tough me to fight to get what I want. Although I had low self-confident, I have always been strong and fought for what I want. Life it difficult -that is how it simply is(wait, does that make any sense for you??)
I cannot believe it took me such a long time to realize and finally do something with it. It all started with me moving far away from home to study. I met lovely and stupid people. I kept the lovely ones and I stop giving a damn about the stupid ones. One day, out of the blue, a colleague of mine, who is also like a brother for me, told me that I am beautiful -from inside-out. After he got to explain why that came in all of sudden, he made me change my attitude. He told me that whenever I get a compliment, I should suck it up! It took me more than a week to go through a process of thinking and figuring out... What I ended up with was, believe it or not, that I was my worst enemy. Since I was a teenager, I always wanted to be confident and I wanted to walk with straight back and be happy with who I am -and enough acting!
I have never appreciated the compliments I got. The inner troll always told me that people just tell me that to be nice, or make me think that they are.. I could not believe in those words I heard, because I was never satisfied with the result or what I got. Very often, if you want to change something, you start with yourself first. Now that I know that I was my worst enemy, I had to destroy that troll or that person in my head. I had to start from where I am standing.
One morning I woke up and the first thing I did was to break up with my inner troll, the worst enemy of mine. It was the best break up I have ever done in my entire life. It felt GOOD. It felt releasing. It felt like wings started to grow on my back and I became a unicorn that poops out rainbow! Oh, hell yeah, that was a huge step for me, but it was the right and the best one. I have never felt better with myself. I also think, that I have gained a little more self-confident. Aaaah, it still feels good! I am more happier than ever!
Now, here I am standing with open arms to catch compliments. GIVE IT TO MEEEH!!!
Think: You have to lower yourself and who you are, just because the society you live in says so and you have to please it. With that kind of society I am not going to be someone. So, no! No, fuck it! I am who I am and I decide who I want to please, and it is not going to be YOU, the society! What kind of bullshit society is this, when it is not "acceptable" to believe in yourself?
FYI: There is a Youtuber, Anna Akana, who inspired me with her vlogs. I could relate myself to what she said and she has been an inspiration for me. Yes, I also got that "the inner troll" from her. Seriously, that shit does exist! I put one of her awesome videos below. Make sure you check out her channel and subscribe(she uploads more frequently than I do!).
Hope that something I said in the video could help, in case you could relate yourself to the same situation that I used to be in. Now, I made a video, you got to thumb me and comment below!
I'D LIKE TO BE STALKED!
TWITTER: @patchtastic28
INSTAGRAM: patchtastics
PINTEREST: patchtastic28
-Patch
February 21, 2013
You are welcome
There is something I do not understand about people. I have hard time to trust people, even if we are close, I cannot trust that person for hundred percent. I also have hard time letting people getting too close to me, because I am afraid of either hurt myself or hurt them.
Well, when I know someone very well, I would let them into my life. It is the first step. The second step is, I would care about them and I do expect them to care about me too. The third step: I take it seriously. If they need help, I will be there for them. I expect the same from them. Then, if I go to the forth level, I give you my trust and you better do not make me regret it.
All of these steps; is it very much to ask for?
If you do think that I am worth getting to know, make sure that you want me as a friend later too. I do not like people who just come and go. If you are just going to come and go, please, turn around and walk back to where you come from. I am not a place for you to dump your shit on and leave!
I am not sure if it is my or people's fault, that makes me mad and disappointed. Whenever I let people into my life, at some point they just fuck up. Every time it happens, I feel like i let myself down, because it seems like I never learn from my mistakes. And because of those bastards who do fuck it all up, they make me be even more hard on myself and to other people. Each time it happens, it gets harder for the next person who wants to get to know me. I blame myself for never learned that I should not let people into my life and give them my trust that easily. I never blame people who messed it up. But do you know what? I will stop blaming myself, I have not done anything wrong. Instead of holding onto those who let me down, I will not just let them go, but I will make sure that they will leave with something to look back and regret at.
A very close friend of mine let me down. We had an appointment yesterday, but he did not feel well, so the appointment had to be canceled. Well, I did not get mad for that. Today I sent him a message asking how he was feeling, because I cared(yes, I truly cared too much). After five hours, my friend finally replied that he was feeling fine and he hang out with two girls, so he did not get bored. Excuse me, did I even ask you what you were doing, who you were with and if you were bored?! I asked him one simple question, if he was too busy to reply: "I feel fine", more or less right away, just to show that he appreciated that one person cared about him(for once). All the time he used to reply that simple question and how he did it just pissed me off! At least he made me open my eyes that I truly fucking cared too much. If he cannot see what I am doing, why should I even give a damn about him? (That was nicely said!)
You may think there is nothing to be mad about and it would be much easier to let it go. Let it go for what? Let it go, so those heartless people can misuse other people over and over? Let it go, so those people never learn how to appreciate other people who do mean good for them? I do not think so!
What happened today is another story and an example of another mistake for letting someone get too close to me and the stupidest thing of all: giving him my trust. Despite that I am deeply disappointed and hurt, I have learned that there are more under a pretty face and nice words. I am sorry, that I gave him my trust and you messed it up. I am also sorry, that he probably will not find a friend like me. If this friendship means something to him, he should better soon realize what he is about to lose. No, wait a minute. Let me correct that. I know him. He will not understand or realize. So, this friendship has already broken down.
Of course I will be nice with him. I will smile and joke with him as usual. Just like him, with that pretty face and nice words, but there is no way that he will have that place in my life again. I have had enough trying, without any appreciation. I wish him lots of good luck. Good luck finding a friend like me.
Funny fact: I usually trust guys more than girls, but some guys are bitches too.
I am not going to mention the name, but if you read this and the shoes fit, you are welcome to tight up those laces and wear them!
-Patch
Well, when I know someone very well, I would let them into my life. It is the first step. The second step is, I would care about them and I do expect them to care about me too. The third step: I take it seriously. If they need help, I will be there for them. I expect the same from them. Then, if I go to the forth level, I give you my trust and you better do not make me regret it.
All of these steps; is it very much to ask for?
If you do think that I am worth getting to know, make sure that you want me as a friend later too. I do not like people who just come and go. If you are just going to come and go, please, turn around and walk back to where you come from. I am not a place for you to dump your shit on and leave!
I am not sure if it is my or people's fault, that makes me mad and disappointed. Whenever I let people into my life, at some point they just fuck up. Every time it happens, I feel like i let myself down, because it seems like I never learn from my mistakes. And because of those bastards who do fuck it all up, they make me be even more hard on myself and to other people. Each time it happens, it gets harder for the next person who wants to get to know me. I blame myself for never learned that I should not let people into my life and give them my trust that easily. I never blame people who messed it up. But do you know what? I will stop blaming myself, I have not done anything wrong. Instead of holding onto those who let me down, I will not just let them go, but I will make sure that they will leave with something to look back and regret at.
A very close friend of mine let me down. We had an appointment yesterday, but he did not feel well, so the appointment had to be canceled. Well, I did not get mad for that. Today I sent him a message asking how he was feeling, because I cared(yes, I truly cared too much). After five hours, my friend finally replied that he was feeling fine and he hang out with two girls, so he did not get bored. Excuse me, did I even ask you what you were doing, who you were with and if you were bored?! I asked him one simple question, if he was too busy to reply: "I feel fine", more or less right away, just to show that he appreciated that one person cared about him(for once). All the time he used to reply that simple question and how he did it just pissed me off! At least he made me open my eyes that I truly fucking cared too much. If he cannot see what I am doing, why should I even give a damn about him? (That was nicely said!)
You may think there is nothing to be mad about and it would be much easier to let it go. Let it go for what? Let it go, so those heartless people can misuse other people over and over? Let it go, so those people never learn how to appreciate other people who do mean good for them? I do not think so!
What happened today is another story and an example of another mistake for letting someone get too close to me and the stupidest thing of all: giving him my trust. Despite that I am deeply disappointed and hurt, I have learned that there are more under a pretty face and nice words. I am sorry, that I gave him my trust and you messed it up. I am also sorry, that he probably will not find a friend like me. If this friendship means something to him, he should better soon realize what he is about to lose. No, wait a minute. Let me correct that. I know him. He will not understand or realize. So, this friendship has already broken down.
Of course I will be nice with him. I will smile and joke with him as usual. Just like him, with that pretty face and nice words, but there is no way that he will have that place in my life again. I have had enough trying, without any appreciation. I wish him lots of good luck. Good luck finding a friend like me.
Funny fact: I usually trust guys more than girls, but some guys are bitches too.
I am not going to mention the name, but if you read this and the shoes fit, you are welcome to tight up those laces and wear them!
-Patch
September 9, 2012
I am alive!
Well, where should I start and what should I say after being gone for a long, long time? Perhaps it is a good start to apologize my followers(like I had any) for have being absent in the past two months(at least!). Yes, I am very sorry for just disappeared without letting you know beforehand.
And now I should explain why I was absent. Well, living in a city that you do not belong to, at a young age like me ain't easy! I realized that working five days a week and also trying to spend some time with people you love at the same time as you should make, edit and uploading video was not easy as it sounds like(or is it me who was being lazy?). But there are other reasons as well, which I will not tell, because I do not want a lot of attention around it. If you know me personally, you probably know what I talk about.
In case you wonder(and care), I am doing pretty good. I met some walls on the way, but what does not kill you makes you stronger -right? I have moved to a new place and have not had the right time to sit in front of the camera yet, besides I look like shit from stressing in the last two months. Aaaand I do not have a super awesome computer, which means that I can not edit video on my cute little mini-laptop. However, I will try to keep updating this blog as often as I can(with pictures and stuffs)!
I do not know about where you live, but in Oslo it starts to get cold. Fall is my favorite time of the year, because of the colors on the trees and it is chilly enough that I can wrap a BIG scarf around my neck without people staring at me. Well, I do not like rain though -unless I stay inside and sleep the day long -which I do not really do anymore, because I have "grown up", I guess. Anyways, do not take the sun for granted(unless you live near the equator), because when it goes down, you'll be freezing your nose off! An advice from me to you(because I care): a scarf can be a lifesaver, so do like me - wrap you neck with a nice scarf, besides scarf is one of the must-have accessories for fall!
Still you can stalk me on TWITTER and INSTAGRAM
Take care and see you soon!
-Patch
And now I should explain why I was absent. Well, living in a city that you do not belong to, at a young age like me ain't easy! I realized that working five days a week and also trying to spend some time with people you love at the same time as you should make, edit and uploading video was not easy as it sounds like(or is it me who was being lazy?). But there are other reasons as well, which I will not tell, because I do not want a lot of attention around it. If you know me personally, you probably know what I talk about.
In case you wonder(and care), I am doing pretty good. I met some walls on the way, but what does not kill you makes you stronger -right? I have moved to a new place and have not had the right time to sit in front of the camera yet, besides I look like shit from stressing in the last two months. Aaaand I do not have a super awesome computer, which means that I can not edit video on my cute little mini-laptop. However, I will try to keep updating this blog as often as I can(with pictures and stuffs)!
I do not know about where you live, but in Oslo it starts to get cold. Fall is my favorite time of the year, because of the colors on the trees and it is chilly enough that I can wrap a BIG scarf around my neck without people staring at me. Well, I do not like rain though -unless I stay inside and sleep the day long -which I do not really do anymore, because I have "grown up", I guess. Anyways, do not take the sun for granted(unless you live near the equator), because when it goes down, you'll be freezing your nose off! An advice from me to you(because I care): a scarf can be a lifesaver, so do like me - wrap you neck with a nice scarf, besides scarf is one of the must-have accessories for fall!
 |
| Remember the scarf and take good care of yourself! |
Take care and see you soon!
-Patch
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)